We’ve decided to ignore this year’s actual entries for Eurovision, because, in our heads, the list below is what should be the ultimate Euro songs to warm the judges’ hearts. Douze pointe all round!
Sweden: Ace of Base
The best tune ever to come from Sweden? Let’s just say yes.
Ireland: Father Ted
The classic sitcom Father Ted proves why Ireland has won Eurovision so often.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEC4nZ-yga8
Iceland: Bjork
The would-be queen of Iceland delights with this big band hit.
France: Brigitte Bardot
Bardot embodies the best of France with her cool playfulness, and Moi Je Joue (Me, I Play) hits all the right notes.
Belgium: Technotronic
Apparently, Belgian law still requires citizens to wear neon bum bags over 20 years later (to any Americans reading, that’s the proper name for fanny packs).
Finland: Jaako Eino Kalevi
Catchy Finland hipster music, reminding Europe that it’s not all death metal up there.
Russia: Pussy Riot
Have you ever listened to Russia’s most famous band? Riffingly good caterwauling in our opinion.
Greece: Demis Roussos
Vangelis’ old mate is the ultimate Mediterranean crooner. Extra points for hairiness.
Denmark: Junior Senior
Absurdly fun one-hit wonder from Denmark.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvTm_BhZdOE
Netherlands: 2 Unlimited
The Netherlands is big into its banging choons and use of numbers in band names.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lGCnM6WXHs
Germany: Nena
This hit was later rerecorded in English as “99 red balloons” but the German lyrics are much more intelligible.
Austria: Falco
Falco’s ode to Austria’s most famous son, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, is quite, quite mad.
Italy: Eiffel 65
Why this Italian band named themselves after something synonymously French is anybody’s guess, but maybe that’s why they’re so blue?
Poland: Tarzan Boy
Not sure why anybody’d want to compare themselves to the incestuous sadist emperor Caligula, but if it results in such ludicrous campiness, then why not.
(Eurovision in all its smoke machine, lights and frock glory by Tamara Gee)
