Christmas is all about feasting. Let the children have their presents and the elders their Queen’s Speech – the rest of us want feeding. Give us stuffed turkey and baked goose, dollops of cranberry sauce and lashings of gravy, crispy parsnips and roasted potatoes.
Christmas is so food-centric that it attracts into its orbit of gluttony a bevy of foods we don’t really experience much during the rest of the year (have you ever had one of these lollipops, above, in March? Jackie took the picture). Truly, tis the season of plenty and joy.
Pigs in blankets
There’s nothing more Christmassy than a small sausage wrapped in bacon, according to the pork industry.
The little swines are often sitting next to “devils on horseback”, namely prunes wrapped in bacon – these are pretty much the closest you can get to a vegetarian appetiser during Christmas.
Apparently, of 100 people polled, every single one said they would rather visit Brussels than eat sprouts. This type of imaginary survey really makes you think.
Pro-tip: next Christmas when you grudgingly prepare Brussels sprouts, sprinkle them with toasted sesame seeds. The little marvels fix anything, even sprouts.
The Japanese invented the satsuma in time for Christmas about a hundred years ago, but can you tell the difference between satsumas, tangerines, mandarins and clementines?
If you can, have yourself the juiciest satsuma you can find – you deserve it.
The largest of the edible nut family is usually too expensive to eat regularly, but it’s Christmas, so splash out on these fatty marvels.
Being high in selenium, they’re good for your skin and help fight the signs of ageing – much like the plastic surgery popular in Brazil itself.
Due to a trend set by the innovative Dutch with their cult hit Edam, Christmas is often a time when we see cheeses encased in wax to keep them fresh.
Perhaps wax just needs something to do these days since light-bulbs began stealing all the candle jobs.
Oranges are pretty sweet by default, what with them being imbued with fructose.
Somewhere along the path of history, some miscreant felt this wasn’t enough and decided to turn the orange into a chunky sugary brick – a nightmare situation much like Medusa turning people into stone in Ancient Greece.
A thick gooey monstrosity combining the thick protein of runny eggs with an alcoholic kick that will have you singing carols until the early morn.
Despite being invented in East Anglia in England, eggnog is most popular in the USA, where thick glutinous liquids often represent Uncle Sam’s lustrous beard.
Combining brie and grapes has been a long tradition in some parts, particularly France, and this inclination towards melding two food giants has culminated in a trend for cheddar with apricots, or wensleydale with pineapple.
Hopefully we’ll see halloumi infused with mango soon.
These cocoa creations are an attempt to cash in on the chocolate egg racket that Easter has going on.
There’s something satisfying about eating Santa, resulting in an experience not unlike taking Holy Communion in church. This is probably because both Jesus and Santa have beards.
The reason we don’t eat Christmas pudding at other times of year is because our hearts wouldn’t be able to take it. The density and richness of the iconic dessert would most likely kill somebody if they ate it every day for a month.
For one day a year you may binge though, and then suffer the stomach cramps afterwards while you watch repeats of Morecambe and Wise.