There’s no place like home, apparently. With this in mind, we at Cheapflights realised we’ve been going about this flying thing all wrong. You don’t want a holiday. You don’t want to experience new things in fantastic far-flung places. You don’t want to escape the drudgery of work.
Dang it, you’ve booked that flight already though. How can you make sure you stay put? It’s a tough job, but we’re here to help. Naycation, here we come.
1. Don’t check your passport is valid
There’s no need: its expiry date is that maths symbol for infinity. Checking your passport would also force you to look at your younger, more beautiful self. How depressing.
2. Don’t check if you need a visa
You’ve got a bank card. Surely that’s enough… and Mastercard’s just as good. Money can buy anything.
3. If you were thinking of flying to the USA, make sure you have a criminal record
The US imprisons way more people than any other country on Earth: there are around 760 inmates for every 100,000 citizens. Understandably, this means they’re not interested in foreigners with criminal records coming over – they don’t have the space if you suddenly decide you like the sound of recidivism, and they almost certainly won’t let you in.
If you’re some sort of angelic do-gooder and reading this, this is probably bad news. The simplest solution is to stroll round to your neighbour’s letterbox and pilfer their newspaper. Then just start shouting “Thief!” repeatedly down the street and wait for police sirens.
4. Don’t check-in online
Everybody loves unexpectedly queuing at the airport. Plus those computer things are just so complicated and weird. Who actually wants to touch one of those?
5. Don’t print your ticket
It’s bad for trees. And don’t put tickets on your smartphone either – both the government and Google tracks everything you do and they’ll get jealous and moody if they see you’re going on holiday. Just turn up to the airport with your face and a superior demeanour.
6. Go out late the night before
You’re going on holiday so you should be celebrating the very fact. Knock back a bottle of vodka and stay up till 4am. Going to the airport is so much better with a hangover. Hey, if it’s a morning flight, just stay up all night. Scientists are always saying how much more alert we are when we don’t get any sleep. They call it “zombie focus” in honour of the fact that zombies are just so focussed on eating brains. You’ll experience the same thing except it’ll be focus on catching your flight. Don’t Google this fact though, just trust us.
7. Pack ten minutes before you leave
C’mon, it’s just some pants and socks. You don’t need anything else, do you? Oh wait, maybe some flip-flops. And a scarf if it gets cold. Yes, you can definitely pack every single thing at the last minute with zero preparation or thought. Totally.
8. Bring an extra suitcase just for duty-free
Hey, if it’s empty, they’ll totally let you take it through security and into the shop. You could get, say, 40 bottles of gin.
9. Make sure you have a lot of massive bottles of liquids in every pocket of your hand luggage
And don’t just stick to boring old water. Did you bring fuel for your lighter? What, you don’t smoke? Well, take some just in case.
Whatever this stuff is, you need it with you in the cabin.
10. Don’t check which airport you’re leaving from
Every city in the world, has one airport only, it’s an international law. When you get into a taxi, just say “Airport, please”. In the unlikely situation they say “Which airport?”, remind them “The one with all the planes.” If they don’t understand this, just repeat yourself.
11. Head to the airport through heavy traffic
If you’re taking a train, don’t check for engineering works or delays either. Looking up stuff is boring, plus your time is better spent looking at Facebook or at an actual wall. Delays never happen because other people don’t really exist and roadworks are a figment of your bored imagination.
12. Walk to the airport
It’s better to avoid booking a coach or a train to the airport, and a taxi or Uber are just for sissies. It’s not often you get to drag 20-odd kilos of baggage around with you, so you should take this opportunity to really stretch yourself. Much better than the gym membership you never use.
13. When asked for your passport, say “Why exactly?” and roll your eyes
You can never be too careful. All these people dressed in so-called uniforms, who knows who they are? Anybody can laminate a badge, you know. If they don’t offer a full explanation, then don’t let them see it, just run past them, especially the burly ones with truncheons and guns. If they do offer a full explanation, well that’s equally suspicious, so you should just tell them “LIAR!” and wave your fists in the air. This is the quickest way of getting through any bureaucratic situation, let alone airport departures.
14. Get drunk in the departure lounge
Like, really drunk. Play a drinking game with your companions and anybody within spitting distance. The best game is when you just shout “down it” at each other and then down it – requires less thought. Make sure you’re near blind, when you try to board. Swift entry is guaranteed.
15. Just decide not to go
You don’t really deserve a holiday as you haven’t been working quite as slavishly as your boss truly expects. No, just tear up your tickets and sign up for some unpaid overtime to atone for your sins.