What what, jolly good, how do? Fish and chips with jellied eels, perchance? Quite the predicament, one’s English’s vernacular, old chap. I say, here are a few pointers for ruddy good blokes who want to immerse themselves in the Queen’s culture sharpish and fake being English in 11 easy steps.
1) Shake On It
Shake hands when greeting. None of that cheek kissing stuff – the French probably brought that over in 1066, along with their so-called “restaurants”.
2) Queue
Join all queues orderly and respectfully. If you see anybody not observing the queue you have joined, sigh audibly, then look at the person queuing next to you and roll your eyes. They know exactly what you mean.
3) Tea Time
Assume that all tea has milk in it. Act surprised when given a “cuppa” without milk. You may add two sugars or none at all.
4) Blush
Get embarrassed when nudity is even hinted at. Anybody’s really, but especially your own.
5) Football
Try to take an interest in football. Tut at anybody who calls it “soccer” (if you think you may be “posh”, change this advice to taking an interest in rugby, which is equally difficult).
6) Weather
Talk about the weather whenever there’s even a hint of silence. It’ll probably be about the rain.
7) Politics
Complain about whoever’s running the country – but never the Queen, lawd bless ‘er.
8) Our Chezza
Know who Cheryl Cole is and somehow try to form an opinion about her.
9) Shorts
Wear shorts the second you see the sun – assume it may be your only chance.
10) Beer O’Clock
Use the term “quick pint” when asking if companions would like to spend three days drinking with you.
11) My Bad
Apologise. Say sorry right now, in fact, for whatever it is you’re doing. You need to feel shame even when simply walking down the street.
Featured image by Steve Webster
